Once upon a time, in a suburb not very far away, there was a young man named Jack. He was unemployed due to the economic downturn and the fact that he’d majored in philosophy, which had only qualified him to be a barista in the first place—and now Starbucks was cutting back. He lived with his mother in a house that was too big and too expensive, because she’d applied for and gotten a loan she could not afford even before she lost all of her money in the tanking stock market.
“Jack, Jack, we have to do something. The bank is going to foreclose!” His mother’s voice woke him with a start.
She stood in the doorway of his bedroom, a bejeweled hand waving an official looking piece of paper. It had to be around noon, given the quality of light. He didn’t even remember when he’d gone to bed.
“I can go see if the temping agencies have anything for me.” As far as he was concerned, a job was just a lot of work, the thought of which made him tired. It reflected in his tone.
She smacked him on the side of the head with the foreclosure notice, ruffling his golden hair.
“What would you do for a temping agency? You don’t have any useful skills! You majored in philosophy. No one needs a philosopher these days!”
He held up his hand to stop the beating. “Ow, stop that! I’m enlightened. I understand the great truths of the human spirit now. Plus, the dean of that college was really hot.”
“Oh, Jack.” She sat at the foot of his bed and buried her face in her hands. “If only you’d stuck with him. He was wealthy. We could’ve lived in his mansion!”
“Pfft.” Jack held up a pinkie. “He may have had money, but he was deficient beneath the belt. I cannot be expected to live that way.”
“Useless!” She shook her head in her hands. “You’re completely useless and we’re going to end up on the streets.”
Frowning, Jack sat up next to her, rubbing the crust from his eyes before looking at her again, or more specifically, the giant diamond ring on her hand. “We could sell that.”
“What?” She looked up to see what Jack was eyeing. Realizing what he meant, she held out her hand to examine it. “My… my Precious?”
“I really regret letting you watch the Lord of the Rings trilogy with me.”
Pursing her lips, she appeared to consider Jack’s suggestion, then finally pulled the ring off. “I guess it’s okay to sell it. I really only married your father for the money. He was pretty”—she held up her pinkie—”too.”
Jack took the three-carat diamond solitaire from her and held it up to the light streaming in through his bedroom window, feeling smug about his own generous member. “Thank God that wasn’t a trait I inherited.”
* * * *
After being tuned away by all of the pawnbrokers to whom he showed the ring,
Jack was discouraged.
“That thing is radiating heat, it’s so hot!” one insisted when Jack showed it to him.
“No, really, it’s my mom’s,” insisted Jack.
“What, are you selling it to buy drugs? I don’t want to get dragged into the middle of that. You suburban boys get a little taste of heroin and then you start stealing family jewels and then cops come in and…yeah, not getting in the middle of that, kid.”
“I don’t do heroin! I’m naturally thin!” Jack pulled up his sleeves to show he had no tell-tale track marks, but it was all to no avail. The pawnbrokers thought he was a junkie who injected through his toes and he could persuade them no different.
By nighttime he was feeling dejected. “My mom’s right. I really am useless.”
Rather than heading directly home, Jack decided the whole day wouldn’t be a total write-off if he could at least get laid. The line at his favorite gay bar, Wizards, was as chock full of lonely, drunk, hot guys as ever. He elbowed his way in, getting a free pass from the bouncer he’d blown once. Or twice. Maybe a few more times than that. Bouncers were useful friends.
The rhythm pumped and the lights dazzled as he watched men in tight T-shirts and hot pants dry humping to the beat. He intended to plop himself at the bar and tell his miseries to the bartender in the hopes of scoring a few free drinks and maybe some pity sex.
“Oh, honey, I could find lots of uses for you,” said a queen painted up in glitter and eyeliner who waylaid him on his path.
But Jack’s once-over revealed a bit of lack in the sack and after a pointed glare, Jack said, “As if.”
“Bitch!” The queen hustled off to the other side of the club, leaving Jack to wade through the dance floor to the bar.
The one thing Jack was good at was getting men to buy him drinks, so he sat at the bar, sipping a flirtini and wearing his mother’s ring on his pinkie.
“Oh my, what a big… stone… you have,” said a tall daddy. He looked and smelled expensive, but his gray hair and beard definitely rated a thumbs-down from Jack.
“Well, I’m trying to sell it, but people around here just don’t seem to appreciate the three C’s.” He wouldn’t go anywhere with this guy but with any luck, perhaps he would buy Jack a drink, or maybe even the ring. He looked like the sort of guy who would normally wear a diamond pinkie ring.
“Oh, I do. I very much appreciate a diamond ring. What are you asking for it?” The gentleman sat down on the stool next to Jack and the colored lights dazzled in his gray hair and beard.
“It’s a steal at ten thousand dollars.” Jack had been told to accept no less than five.
“I don’t have that kind of cash on me, but I can give you my talisman.” The man unbuttoned his shirt to reveal a carpeted chest of white hair and a cock ring tied to a strip of leather hanging around his neck. While this wasn’t that remarkable in a club like this, the size of the cock ring made Jack’s mouth water. It almost looked the size of a halo. He could shove his whole head through it.
Jack squirmed in his chair and tried very hard not to look at the man’s crotch. ”That’s yours?”
“In a manner of speaking, yes. It does belong to me, but I do not wear it.”
“Oh.” Jack slumped on the stool, wondering why he’d gotten his hopes up.
“It’s very valuable. It’s magic, in fact. It will lead you to what you treasure most.” The man’s eyes glimmered as he said it, which Jack attributed to the light, but one could never be too sure. He sniffed his flirtini to make sure no one had slipped anything in it. ”And I’ll trade it for that diamond ring. You’re getting the better deal, really.”
“What I treasure most…like money?” asked Jack. “Or can I meet the man who wears that?” Jack pointed to the cock ring.
“Yes.” The daddy stood up again and with one swift tug on the cock ring, he pulled the necklace off.
Find out what happens with the magic cock ring!
